Holidays and me.

Oh, the holidays. They're just around the corner. It's gotten to a point in my life where they really don't mean that much to me anymore. That's probably why I love Halloween so much. People make such a big deal about. All of a sudden, people are nice, more giving, more helpful, etc. My thinking is "Why the hell aren't we like that all year long?"  Red Cross comes out and gets people to donate money. Yea, you should be doing that all year long too... I work at a place where we are there 24/7. There are always nurses working, always CNAs there. It's our job, it's our life. I suppose that's also why I don't care for the holidays. I usually work at least one of them. I'm ok with that, I love coming in on holidays and seeing my residents happy. The worst part is, when some of them have no one coming in. It breaks my heart. So, basically we become their family. :) And, I'm ok with that.

My parents divorced when I was eighteen. Yea, yea, yea, I know I was an adult, yada yada. But, Christmas was never the same after that. My dad had his new girlfriend living with him by then and instead of sharing it as a family, all of a sudden, we weren't. He has a "new family". He's a grandpa on her side. So, it's not about us anymore, it's about her kids and her grandbabies. Which, I UNDERSTAND Christmas is more for children anyway, but it kinda takes the joy out of something when he's loving other people's kids more than his own flesh and blood. What's the point in having a baby? I guess I'm a bit jealous. We were supposed to have the first grandchild. It's stupid I know, but being the first is a treasure. After that one, the novelty of being a grandparent seems to wear off. It feels that way anyway, the way I see it, being there at Christmas.
My mom tries extremely hard to make up for it when we go over there, but it's not the same. We go to my Aunt's house for Christmas also and well, I'd rather not. Let's put it that way. I do because I feel obligated and because I don't see them very often either, but I'd rather keep it that way.

I don't have kids, so there's  no need to get a ton of gifts. They say Christmas is for kids anyway. Which, kinda ruins Christmas too. Christmas is supposed to be for everybody. Not just some fucking reason to get your kids more things. And, if Christmas is about Jesus' birth, why the hell do we tell kids Santa's bringing presents? I don't see people being Christ like any other time of year.  

Thanksgiving is a bit different. We eat and pig out. I do like Thanksgiving, but only because I love food. Isn't that ridiculous? LOL! I don't go to my dad's for Thanksgiving usually. My mom makes good food, so I head there. But, this year I am doing things a bit different.  

I'm going to volunteer. Shawn asked me yesterday what we're doing for Thanksgiving. I told him in a light hearted manner that we're going to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He didn't know if I was serious or not. But, he's agreed to it. I think that'll be a wonderful thing to do. It feels that void that's empty.  That place in my heart that hasn't been full in years. I hate the holidays. I'd rather make someone else happy this year. Because, in return, it makes me happy. I love helping people. It's in my nature. So, I'm going to volunteer and make my own traditions. I hope my Shawn is right there with me, cuz he doesn't like the holidays much either. We're just going through the motions. Anyway, I'm hoping I can keep with stuff like that all year. Next year, I want to give more of myself and start finding my place in this world. I want to become a physical therapist for that reason. to see someone smile, to see someone laugh, and to know I did that, that's the greatest gift to me. Anyway, I'm getting all sappy.

Thanks for reading. If you feel the way I do, let me know. Just an opinion. Again, if you don't like it, no need to read it.:)

Ramblings of a tired mind.

Sick today. This just started. I was not like this at work. I should've known though, cuz that damn exhausted even though you slept soundly all night feeling crept in. It's just a cold though. Anyway, not the real basis of this blog post.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Just about random things. I feel pretty damn blessed even if I'm not quite happy right now. Of course, I'm worried about stupid shit. Which is dumb, because what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing. I just need to learn patience. That'd be a start. I don't know what happened to that. I used to be so patient. Anyway, I realized that every thing can change in an instant. You never know what to expect. It's been a pretty decent year. I hope it stays that way.

Real topic: Parents. My mom is awesome. Everyone who knows her knows that. What I don't get is the other parent. I've been wanting to say this for a long time. My parents divorced a long time ago. I'm not annoyed or upset by that. I am upset with the fact that my old man isn't even in the picture hardly at all. Now, I know I'm 27 and you're probably thinking:"Well, that's what happens when you grow up." Bullshit. He's not there. He can't even pick up a fucking phone and call me. I call him, can't get through. Sometimes, it'd be nice to have a dad around. It's like I used to think he was my hero. I was such a daddy's girl. Then, I grew up, turned 18 and all of a sudden, it was like "Sorry. You're an adult. Leave." It just amazes me that you have four kids and you hardly make any intention to be around them at all. He's never seen my apartment. Yes, I've offered. I've been here OVER a year. What I don't get is why all of us kids keep trying for his affection and love. It kills me, cuz it's never going to happen. How can you ditch all four kids without a second thought? I know we're adults, but sometimes, you still need a dad. I try to push it away, but then I tell him something or try to get his attention or the boys do, and it just hurts even more. I guess you never get over that. Anyway, had to get that off my chest. I know I'm not the only one with "daddy issues." But, it amazes me at times how much it still hurts, unexpectedly. And, if you read this Dad, trust me, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Next topic: Talking shit. I am so tired of hearing all the bullshit I hear every day. I contaminates the workplace, it contaminates my life. Why can't we all just get along? I'm so fucking tired of people trying to get others in trouble. Mind your own fucking business. Excuse my french, but this is quite the pet peeve of mine. I hate myself cuz I start talking shit. It's like How am I any better? Anyway, I'm trying to break that habit. It's at work, it's at home, it's everywhere I go. I need drama free.

Anyway, friends: How the hell do people make friends? I do have friends and acquaintances, but I would love a best friend. Someone who I can talk to and g do things with. When I moved up here, my other friends kinda moved on. Which, I understand, but I'm not in that circle anymore. And, let me tell you. I'm lonely. I wish people would take me seriously. I always feel people just think I'm the freaking class clown. Ya know, I can have conversations with people too. LOL! I'm usually pretty serious. It just gets lonely with no one to talk to. Everyone has their friendships established and it's just frustrating to fit in. I hate being me sometimes.

Anyway, I'm just venting and thinking. I'm just irritated right now, cuz I'm trying to figure out school and I'm trying to get things situated at home and nothing's going right. I have decided I do want to go for physical therapy assistant. And, the goal is to eventually become a physical therapist. Even though, I have heard that being a traveling nurse pays pretty damn good money. We'll see.

Anyway, Shawn got some news today. Hopefully, things are looking up a bit! And no, I'm still not pregnant and we are still not getting married. Even though, I have been watching weddings lately, and someday when the time is right, I would like to get married. I already have the dress picked out. ;)

Well, I better get on these dishes and pay attention to the cat. She's so snuggly lately. Shawn says it's cuz we feed her and we are  warm. HEY, I'm keeping the belief she just likes us. ;) Makes me feel better.

Goodnight. :)

Talks.

So..... it's been quite awhile since I wrote one of these. I haven't had a computer in a couple months, so I've been using my iPhone. Slow, piece of crap. Then, my boyfriend bought me a computer for my birthday! Yes, it's refurbished and not brand new, but man I love it. That man is so good to me. No, no, don't worry. This isn't a gushy Shawn post, LOL! Anyway, looking forward to Halloween. I love this time of year. Fall is my favorite season, but it never lasts long enough. But, I do so love Halloween. Shawn and I are hping to be able to go to a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show in October. I'm super excited. I've never been to one and I've heard that it's awesome participation. People dress up. That movie is a cult classic. If you've never watched it, I recommend it to anyone. Tim Curry looks remarkably like Freddie Mercury. It's freaky. Anyway, I  found a Colombia costume for $40 online and I am so getting it. Even if we don't go this year, some year we will go to one! I love being able to have the independence to do what we want. That is, when we aren't working, lol! Anyway, work is good. I am on second shift. Shawn and I don't get much time together, but I am supposed to go on first shift soon. Can't wait! I have to get up super early, BUT I get out at 2 pm. I can try and have a life more. I want to go to school . Brown Mackie called me and they have a decent physical therapy program, so I need to get on it and call them back! I should go, but I am kinda afraid to take my vehicle down to Fort Wayne! It's a bit old and I don't know how dependable it is. The gas guage doesn't work, so you have to "guesstimate" on gas. Soon, I will head down there. Anyway, I am excited to start a new chapter.
I've been thinking about travel a lot. At the end of October, Shawn's mom and I are going to Maryland to visit her sister. That should be a fun trip! But, I do want to travel to different countries. I always feel like there is never enough time to do anything anymore. Am I just squandering it away? They tell me 30 is the new 18 though, so I guess I'm right on time, LOL! I don't want to get married,so that's ok. I don't want to have a baby, so I'm doing ok there. I just want a career. A decent, fulfilling, wonderful career. I know nothing's perfect, but I do want to try.
I'm trying to find a hobby. Does anyone have any decent ideas? I don't really want to do crafts. I'm not an artistic person. I like art, but I can't really do it well myself. Drawing is out of the question. I love fashion, and styling things. I would love to be a personal shopper. I should totally try that. Oh, AND I'm going to start the novel soon. I just need to start it! Write an outline. Isn't that what they tell ya in high school English?
Anyway, I'm finally coming into my own. I realize this more and more every day. It's nice. Anyway, I suppose enough talk. I need to get cracking on that banana bread! :)

Playing it Safe.

Lately, I've noticed something about myself. I have been playing it safe for quite awhile. I don't know, it's like I haven't been taking any risks or getting excited about anything. My passion is dwindling. I feel I'm becoming old at the ripe age of 26. For example, today Nick and I went swimming at Dallas Lake. It was so lovely. But, him and his buddy just dived right in. I, on the other hand, sat down, then decided to climb down the ladder to get in. I didn't really dive in at all the entire time! I know that's a little example, but it's always the "what ifs". "What if I hurt myself?" "What if I fall?" "What if it doesn't work out?" SO! I need to start saying SO WHAT! more often!
What is life if you're not living it? Life was not meant to be trapped in a bubble. That's kinda how I feel lately. I've trapped myself in this bubble. I'm afraid to find a new job cuz it's so easy to have this one. It's close by, it's convenient, etc. etc. I always say I'm gonna wait til I save enough money. Which is true, but dammit I need to start saving more than! I need to quit spending my money on frivolous bullshit that doesn't last. If I want the newer car and the better apartment, I better get my ass on it! I know it's tough. Life's not meant to be easy. I'm so tired of playing it safe. Always worrying about the negatives and what COULD happen, and not focusing on the good of what MIGHT happen.
Anyway, I want to write the novel. It would be my dream to be an author. I'd be thrilled. I love writing. I'd love to be a physical therapist. I always think of the schooling though. Jesus, there is always something stopping me, isn't there? Well, quit letting it! Snap out of it! Get your head wrapped around those dreams and make it happen! What's it gonna hurt?
Anyway, I'm being ridiculous today. I just keep thinking of all the things I haven't done because I'm being a chicken shit. Enough is enough. I just needed a pep talk, LOL!  

What I think when I'm thinking. HAHA

OK, here's the deal. I haven't wrote a blog post in quite awhile. I can't believe time is going by so fast! What happened when I was younger and it felt like forever before the good stuff happened? Each day brings it's own stuff, I think.
Onto me, cuz you know, that's what's important. LOL! JK! :) Anyway, I am working second shift again. There's numerous reasons for that. I don't particularly care for sleeping during the day. I hate wasting the day away sleeping. Also, I needed a bit more. Third shift is not that exciting and I actually like taking care of my residents. It's a challenge to get them all to bed and make sure they're cared for correctly. Honestly, I love my job. :) I don't want to do it forever, but right now, it does make me happy. Second shift makes it hard to have a life though. Fortunately, my mom is pretty good at working around my schedule and Shawn and I are trying hard to make time for each other whenever we can. We've already come up with the idea of me coming home on lunch break on days he has to work, so we can see each other for a little while. Because, by the time I get home, he's already starting his shift. You enjoy the days you can. It pays the bills for now.

Onto my next topic, Shawn turned 30 today! The big 3-0. The world is not ending, my life isn't over, but it's so weird to be old enough to have a boyfriend who's 30! I never thought I'd see the day. I was dating younger guys for awhile. Not intentionally, they just happened to be younger than me. I'm going to be 27 in September. It's scary getting older. Funny thing is, neither Shawn or I act like our age. He's still a kid at heart. And, I'm just slightly more mature than he is. LOL! It's good though, because as Shawn points out, "you don't grow old, until you forget what it's like to be young." Very true.  We'll be big kids in our 80s. :)

Third thing, our silly cat has decided she likes the roof. The other day it took me forever to get her silly butt off there. She goes in through the storage room. Brat cat. We rescued her from being outdoors almost a year ago and of course, she's never forgotten what it's like. I really wish we had a fenced in yard we could let her play around in. She will sit by the window and meow pitifully cuz she sees a bird. It's quite depressing to hear. I love our little cat. She's the cutest little creature I've ever met. This morning she wakes me up at 5:30 by sniffing my face. I wake up to see cat eyes looking at me. Sometimes, I think it's just because she wants to eat me. LMAO! Just joking. Anyway, she snuggles on the couch. She doesn't like to be held much, but she'll let you put her. Yes, I said "let you."

Fourth thing, I've decided to read more. I have so many books to read. I always say I don't have time, but that's not true. I'm just always playing on the computer instead. What the hell?! So, I'm going to finish reading my Stepen King book, cuz I do love me some Stephen King. And, yes, much to Shawn's chagrin I'm going to read my romance novels too. :D And, if you've ever read Lamb by Christopher Moore that is an excellent book. I love it so much. It's like what happened during the time we don't see in the Bible of Jesus' life. It's a fiction novel and what the author thought, but it is hilarious!! I've read that book so much.

Last thing, kinda stupid but I am thrilled. Shawn said I could do the bathroom any way I wanted, so I chose butterflies! I bought a butterfly shower curtain today. I have a butterfly toothbrush holder, and towel. I need a butterfly bath towel rack. I love butterflies. If anyone knows where I can find a butterfly bath towel holder, let me know. :) 

I know, this is ALL ABOUT ME, lol, but I just wanted to write down my thoughts. I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. I just get into these funks sometimes. I always try to pull myself out of them though. It helps that Shawn is good at making me smile and laugh. We're still going strong. Talk to you later. :)

Lost.

" The show must go on! The show must go on! Yea! Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on. My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies.Fairy tales of yesterday that grow, but never die. I can fly, my friends. I'll face it with a grin. I'm never giving in!" Queen- The Show Must Go On

Here it is 4 am and I'm sitting here writing. I should be sleeping because I have to work at two pm, but I feel so agitated lately. Shawn told me I should write down this shit, so here it is. I'm depressed. Not clinically (Not that I know of, anyway.) Yes, I am not doing so well. I have always had this problem of wanting more. And, I feel like it's never going to happen. A part of me feels like that's not true, but then the other part is thinking "What if it is?" And, yes I am happy with everything I have. I KNOW it could be so much worse, but the back of my mind goes "it could be so much better too." And,. I HATE that people make me feel guilty for wanting more. "Be happy with what you have." Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, I am. But, what? I'm not allowed to want more either? And vent when it gets aggravating? But, the problem is, I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to advance in my life. I feel like every time I go to school, I always have to quit going. It's frustrating cuz I should be done by now. It's been seven plus years and I've been gong at least one semester a year. I'm ridiculous, I know. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm 26, and what the hell do I have to show for it? And yes, I realize I'm young and have an entire lifetime, but Jesus, this lifetime is going by pretty damn fast. I mean, hell, it's Already June 2012! That's six months in already. I can't handle it. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I want to be in the 90s again. I want to feel happier again. I'm not saying I'm not happy, but there's so much out there, and I feel stuck. I suppose that's why I'm so grouchy and just ANGRY lately. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry cuz no one seems to get it!
I've moved so many times in the past few years. I wasn't going to come back here to this small effing town. The things you do for love, I'm telling you. :) Bad thing is, I need to go somewhere. I need to spread my wings. I feel caged in. Unsettled. Frustrated because I feel I can't. I feel there's never enough money, or never enough time. I'm just whining, I know, but Lord knows, I've gotta get this off my chest or I'm gonna explode.I need to start writing. I need to start baking. Lord knows, I love to bake. I need the damn oven to be working again. I don't know what the fuck I feel lately, but I feel like my heart is breaking. It's like that Nelly Furtado song "I'm like a bird. I'll only fly away. I don't know where soul is. I don't know where my home is." And, it's true. I don't. The only place I was ever quite content was Virginia. I loved it there. I would love to move there. But, shit like that is scary too. When I first went, we decided on a whim we were moving to VA and then two weeks later we did. God, I miss it. I love the beach, I love the atmosphere. God, I even loved working at Domino's Pizza. I can't stand living here. It's a decent place to raise a family but I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY. What the hell am I still doing here? I'm waiting for Shawn. I love that guy and I'm thinking of him too. It just kills me that he's in no hurry. I'm sure he'll read this, and I'm sorry hun, but it's true. My heart isn't in anything anymore. I can't even handle the cat right now. The monotony could kill me. It's the same fucking thing everyday. I can predict what the hell I'm doing when I wake up. I know, people say "Change it, change it." Yea, but you know what?! No one ever fucking tells you HOW to change it! Can you tell me? Tell me what to do? I can't find my passion, I can't find what makes me happy, I can't find peace in the turmoil in my soul. AND no, I don't need Jesus, I just need my brain to quit thinking so much. As Sugarland so aptly puts it "There's gotta be something more, gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time, I need a little more bliss. So, I'm gonna take my chances, taking a chance I might. Like, what I'm looking for, there's gotta be something more."
 Ah, song lyrics. They can always express what my heart can't. I love music. I can't play an instrument though. I kinda wish my parents would've gotten us more involved in sports and stuff. I know I played softball in middle school for a summer, and volleyball in 4th grade, but those didn't work out. Not really a sports person. But, I wish they would've had us do something. Like, learn an instrument, or dance classes, whatever. Of course, four kids does cost a lot of money. :/ Instead, we got jobs. I have had a job ever since I was fifteen. I'm proud of that fact, but it never really left room for anything else. Money makes the world go round, right? Anyway, writing this shit down I'm starting to feel better. I do apologize if you think I'm being whiny or complaining. I'm trying not to, but I swear, it's like aren't people allowed to talk about their feelings and thoughts without someone thinking they're pissing and moaning? This is how I feel. I am so grateful it's not worse, I know what I have. But, is this all there is? Cuz honestly, I feel like I should be accomplishing more, or achieving more. And... I'm not. So, basically I blame myself as to why I feel like such a loser. Thank you to everyone who gives a shit. I'm not always happy. LOL. Please don't hate me, or judge me. Don't we all feel lost sometimes? That's all it is, I'm just.... lost....

Unconventional.

I've been with Shawn over a year now. Most people are starting to talk marriage at this time, getting a ring, where to propose, etc. You figure a year is a decent enough time to wait, right? Well, the most Shawn and I have ever talked about marriage is how much we don't want to. First of all, in my humble opinion, I don't think a year is long enough to find out about a person. You know a lot about them, but I still don't know everything about My Shawn, I never will. I learn more about him everyday. :) It's exciting though. I love getting to know Shawn and be around him. But, fact of the matter is, we will probably never get married. If we ever do get married it'll be when we're old and grey and have nothing left, LOL! Most of the time, I feel like we are already married. We are most definitely committed to each other. We love each other very much. I don't see why we need the paper to prove it. Anyway, a lot of people ask me why we won't get married. Or, why we haven't gotten married yet. Well, I'll tell you.

First of all, marriage is, by far, overrated. Most marriages seem to not last anymore. NOT saying there aren't ones that will last, but it just doesn't seem right to push our luck. From what I've seen people can be together ten years and be just fine. Then, they FINALLY get married and they're getting divorced a year later. Why do I want those odds? Why ruin a great thing?

Shawn's been married before. He doesn't want to experience it again.

Haven't you ever noticed it's mostly for the woman? The man just has to show up. LOL! The woman gets the white dress. Which, BTW, I don't think should be white if you're not a virgin. That's what the white symbolizes, purity. Not that I'm getting into any christian mumbo jumbo here, but let's not be hypocritical. The woman gets the fancy ring. The woman gets the attention. What does the man get? The bill. LOL! JK!

It's a christian thing. They say in the Bible, no sex before marriage, no living together til you're married, have to be married, one man- one woman. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, that's all fine and good, but it's outdated. Besides, in the Bible they didn't even have a paper binding you to someone. There was nothing official, jeez.

People get married for the wrong reasons. There is no "sanctity of marriage" anymore. And, BTW, I think gay people should be allowed to marry. Why the hell not?! 

 Those are just my reasons. Maybe someday we'll change our minds. But, until then, I can't imagine calling Shawn my husband. It's to mature sounding, haha. I have yet to establish my life. Shawn just happens to be a big part of it. Only bad thing is about not being married, is insurance. Hospitals, I can't go in there to see him if he ever gets in an accident because I'm not his spouse. Whatever.

Now, on to the next BIG topic. Children:

People always tell me "You and Shawn need to have babies." "When are you and Shawn having a baby?" "You and Shawn will be pregnant next." I HATE comments like that. I'm sorry to say, I DO NOT want a kid. Why do I need a kid? I'm just fine with my life like it is. I don't need something to fulfill me like that. I have my job, which does that for me. I know kids are wonderful and I love kids. In fact, if I ever did have one, I would love my own immensely, but I don't want one. Here's my list:

Kids cost money. We live in a one bedroom apartment and we would have to move. Nine months is not enough time to get a new apartment and buy baby stuff.

They cry... incessantly. I can't handle it. I like quiet.

I don't want to experience pregnancy. I know they say you forget about it after the baby is born, but I'm already chunky and I would never lose the weight.

My life would never be mine again. I'm selfish in that aspect. All of a sudden, it'd be all about baby.

I'd worry all the time. I already get headaches enough, thanks. LOL!

My parents don't want to be grandparents. I have no desire to give that to them either.

Shawn and I enjoy our life to ourselves. We go where we want, spend what we want, do what we want. There is nothing stopping us.

I can't stand not working. I would hate to be a stay at home mom. I like being a "career girl". Of course, my career is null at the moment, but eventually....

I love it when people tell me I might grow up a bit if I have a kid. Well, what the hell's wrong with being how I am? I like being a little immature. I don't care to work my life away because of a kid. I like being goofy and silly and enjoying my immaturity.

SO, for all you guys out there who are wondering when I'll ever have a kid, UM, well, step in line, it'll be a long wait. HAHAHA.

People tell me I'll have someone to take care of me when I'm old. Yea, there is no guarantee my kids will like me, or stick around, or whatever the hell. They might stick me in a nursing home and forget about me. Besides, I would fall apart when they left. Hell, my friend's kid was going to Kindergarten and I dropped her off one time. She was so sweet to me in the ride there. Wanted me to hug her, hold her hand, etc. As soon as we got into the school, she started walking away from me and wanted nothing to do with me. How the hell would I handle that with my own kids? 

BTW, I am not saying having kids and marriage is a bad thing. I commend you all. I just don't want that for myself. To each their own, right? :) Anyway, just thought I'd share my views. I know having a kid is one of the best things you can ever experience. I think it's a wonderful thing. I just don't want to experience it. I have other stuff to do. :D

Food.

I love food. I don't particularly like to eat because my throat bothers me sometimes when I eat bread and stuff. It kinda gets hard to swallow. A drink does help, but my, sometimes it does it hurt going down. I am a slow eater. I like to enjoy my food.

I would try food from all over the world, if and when I get the chance. I love watching cooking shows and the Travel channel, cuz they have awesome food programs on there. To me, that'd be the ULTIMATE dream job, trying new foods and traveling. Two of my favorite things.

I guess they kinda tie in together. I love to try new things. I get restless staying in one spot. I usually don't even live in one place for very long. I love trying new foods. What better place to try new food then to where you're traveling? I admit, I haven't tried to much new foods lately, but I am so ready.

I love to cook. I don't really have much of a stove. And yea, buying the ingredients to cook something does cost money. I would love to be a chef. Why haven't I pursued that yet? Well, because you have long hours and odd hours and I don't think I'm that good of a cook. Lord knows I've tried though. I love to bake. I love to experiment. I love the smells, textures, mixing, stirring, creating a masterpiece. Dammit, I really should go shopping! LOL! Bad thing is, our oven doesn't work right now, so I'm a bit limited to what I can make.

I do seem to collect cookbooks though! I have a ton of them. Mom buys them for me, Shawn's mom bought me one. I love looking at the pictures of the meals and stare at them wistfully thinking "Man, why can't I make that?" Or, "Why don't I make that?" Yea, I'm working on it. Fortunately, I have a great tester. Shawn loves my creations. Or, at least, he says he does. LOL! ;)  

Food is my biggest weakness. You give me something good to eat, and I will probably not say no. I will try anything once. It worries me cuz I don't want to gain weight either. I always feel fat lately anyway cuz I think I eat to much. And yes, I say I'll exercise to balance it out. Does that ever happen? Well, let's just say, it hasn't yet. :/ What do you do?

I enjoy Thanksgiving. Surprisingly enough, it is not my favorite holiday. That would be Halloween. Which has the other cardinal sin, CANDY. I do love Thanksgiving though. It's not much for family. I'm not to big on that, but I love the food. Turkey, green beans, mashed potatoes, baked ham, hush puppies. Leftovers! Rich food. Food that makes you quite content to just be alive.

I love leftovers. I love eating the same thing for three days. Honestly, I think it gets a bit better everyday. The best leftovers are spaghetti. LOVE spaghetti leftovers.

But, my favorite thing to eat is Mom's beef stew. All it is, is Potatoes, beef, and green beans, made in the crock pot and then you put soy sauce over the top when it's in the plate. Good lord, that is comfort food. Mom makes it best of all. It s definitely a winter food. I was going to make it and had the PERFECT beef for it, but sadly I never got to. My beef went bad and it disappoints me a bit. Oh well, always next time.

Bad thing about food though, is the weight gain. I feel like I eat too much and don't do enough to balance it out. I don't want to get fat. I apologize to anyone who is overweight and reading this, I don't mean it rudely, but I know damn well that's why I would get chunky is cuz I eat to much. So, I have been trying to eat healthier. Right now, I am into yogurt with granola. I am into Kashi bars (they're a bit expensive, but the dark chocolate, coconut ones (two of my favorite things) are fanstastic!) I have been eating a ton of strawberries. I'm trying to lower my portions and not get so heavy on the salt. I love salty foods too. Geez, I just have a shit ton of bad things going for me here. LOL! It's not to bad trying to eat healthier. I enjoy those things too. I even try to buy healthier snack chips and pretzels  and we eat a lot of eggs.

Fact is, I have to eat every few hours. I get nauseous and my stomach starts cramping if I don't. I don't know why, it's been like that for years. I should probably go to a doctor about it, but I'm afraid of what they'd tell me. :/ I eat snacks a lot. I would love to lose weight. I feel so depressed about my weight lately. I know I'm not fat, but I have a muffin top and I don't like it. My jeans don't fit as well as they used to. Shawn tells me I'm beautiful and I'm so glad he thinks so, but God there are days I feel like a cow.

Truth is, something's got to give here. I need to lose weight. Just for my own sake. I want to be healthier and stay healthy as I get older. I figure if I start now, when I'm older it  won't be to hard. Besides, I want Shawn around for a long time too. So, I make him eat healthy with me. :)  

I love food. Food is good. I can't wait to try new things and experience delicious food. And, cook my own food! Just everything in moderation. I don't understand how people can say "it's just food. What's so great about it?" BLASPHEMY. LOL! Anyway, do you love food too? What's your favorite food? Do you like to eat? Do you exercise so you can eat what you want? Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the kitchen and figure out what I want to eat. ;) 

Comment below and enjoy! :)

Love.

Ok, I want to talk about love. People seem to think it's so easy to love someone. Someone once told me, love and like are the same thing. Which, btw is definitely not true. I don't get how you can have a relationship with someone and then you break up and a week later you're with someone new. And, you tell me you love them. Well, obviously, you don't know what love is. I know when I was getting over Randy, it took an entire year for me to move on completely.I gradually took steps and just took my time. I know, people tell me they can't be alone, blah, blah, blah. Well, have you ever tried? You might like it. It's not fair to someone new that you may be dating when you're still in love with the one you broke up with. I don't get how celebrities can do that either. People just throw that word around so casually anymore. I love you. Well, do you know what it is? 
 Anyway, here's my take on love.

First off, love and like are NOT the same thing. I may like you, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I love you. Love is a deeper emotion. I can like anyone. I can't just love someone. It's easy to like someone, bu I tell you what, love is one of the hardest emotions and feelings to deal with.

There are different types of love. I am in love with Shawn. And honestly, sometimes that  scares me, cuz I have never loved someone the way I love Shawn. It's completely different than anything I've ever felt before.
I love my mom. I love her because she is my mom and she's a wonderful person. I love my brothers. I am not in love with them. That is just gross. But, you get my point. Some people seem to think there is only one type of love. But, of course there isn't. I don't love everyone the same. If I love you, I'll go out of my way more and do things for you that I wouldn't for other people. I love my cat. I know, it's stupid, but she's my lovebug. Which is why she gets spoiled all the time. LOL! I even love Queen. Yes, they're a band. No, I will probably never meet them, but I can't imagine my life without them.

I thought I loved Randy. In fact, there was a time I probably did. I will always care for him. It took me forever to get over him. In all honesty, we spent five years playing tug of war. My heart took quite a beating on that one. There was a time when I thought "what's wrong with me? I will never love someone again" etc.... Stupid thoughts, I know, but when you're young and think you're in love, that's how you feel. Turns out, there is nothing wrong with me at all. He just didn't love me the way I loved him. It took me quite awhile to figure that out.

There's a difference between lust and love. People think they love someone, but it's not always love. There's puppy love. There's infatuation. Real love is different.

I don't think people really know what love is until they grow up a bit. You think you're in love in high school and the world will end if they leave you. But, there is a huge world out there and plenty more fish in the sea. Love means making a commitment. Love means sacrificing yourself for someone else. Love means sharing, even if you don't want to. Love means being there even when it hurts like hell. Because, it's not always easy to love someone. 

And, I also think it's harder for men to love than women. That's a natural feeling, but men are inclined to push it away. I think men need that period in their life where they fool around and be men. Because, I tell you what, when he's finally ready to settle down, he will be the best damn man you could ask for. Give it time. :)

There are days when I just want to give up. I think it'd be so much easier to just be single. I don't want to be single, but it's not always easy to care about someone else. I was single for three years before I met Shawn. Part of my brain sometimes still wants that. I can go do what I want. I can make out with random guys. (No, I never slept with them, but I did like to kiss, LOL!) But then, I realize all those guys I kissed tasted disgusting and made me feel dirty. And then, I think of the downside of no Shawn and I feel lonely. I think if I let Shawn go, I'd be miserable. Because, yes, I love that guy. I can't imagine my life without him. He makes me feel something I never felt before. I always think "How did I get this freaking lucky?"

I have come to find out in my years that love is flipping hard! It is so hard to not just think about you anymore. It's hard to not be so damn selfish. It's hard to think of another person. But, I realize it makes me happy too when I do something for someone I love. I love love. I love the real version, not the fairy tale version. Real love is what makes it last. Real love is there through all the bullshit, all the pain, and comes out fifty or sixty years later, saying "Yea, we made it. And, I still love you." If you can't make the commitment for a lifetime, it's not love.

And, btw Love is NOT getting the shit beat out of you. Love is NOT having sex with a guy because he says "If you love me, you'll have sex with me." Ladies, if he says that, then you say "Yea, and if you love me, you'll wait until I'M ready." Love is not a man controlling you. You are an equal.  Love is not cheating or being cheated on.

Ok, sorry, I'm getting preachy there. What I'm trying to say is, love is just love. There are no wrong ways to love someone. But, wait for a guy who is good to you ALL THE TIME, not just some of the time. Ok, I apologize. This is not my usual upbeat blog style. I just was thinking about love and this is what came out. I just get so aggravated when people tell me they love someone and yet they treat them like shit, or they date different people right afterwards or they're always breaking up. It's like, you totally ruin it. You're ruining this beautiful thing with that shit. Anyway, just my thoughts. I know it's more complex than this, but this is just a few things running through my head. Love is a beautiful thing. It can hurt you. But, it can also heal you.

Sarcasm.

Why am I sarcastic? Well, because it's the only thing I know. I don't quite get how to socially interact, so sarcasm kinda masks those insecurities. There is usually at least one person who gets it.

You can gauge someone's sense of humor with it. Usually, the people I get along with best are people who are either sarcastic themselves, or get my sense of humor. If I can make one person laugh, it makes me feel good about myself. I love getting people to laugh.

It's easy. This shit just pops out of my mouth. I don't really need to think about what I'm going to say. Usually, I have some witty retort just waiting to be spewed out.

It's a great way to show people how you feel about them without being totally offensive and downright mean. Even though, obviously you are. ;)

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. But, I don't believe that. You gotta have some smarts to come up with such funny things. I don't try to be mean with my sarcasm, even though there are times...

I can't stand corny shit. That's just annoying. I've gotten better over the years, but I still find it stupid.

My boyfriend is sarcastic. He's ten times more sarcastic then I am! Half of the time, you don't know if he's actually serious or just picking on you. He is a master sarcastic.

It's great to pick on people who have a very dry sense of humor. They never quite understand what the hell you mean. Are you being serious? With that I reply, "Why yes. Of course, I am." ;)

It seems sarcastic people are pretty laid back about life. I don't take too much seriously. Everything can be turned into a joke.

Granted, my mother doesn't like my sarcasm at all. But, that's ok. I learned it from my dad. ;)

Sarcasm doesn't have to be mean. I mean, granted it can be. But, I just like to joke around and be funny. That's my way of doing it. I feel comfortable being sarcastic. It is quite awkward when you have to explain it to someone though. They look at you like "What?" Seriously, if you don't know, I'm hate to tell you, but I'm not going to explain it to you.

Sarcasm: survival method, friendship tool, diss meter. HAHA.

Why I Love The 90s.

When Shawn and I were coming home from Ohio, I was thinking of my next blog post. I thought a few ideas, but hen it hit me. Why not do a post on why I still love the 90s? Genius, I tell you. Anyway, here are some of my reasons for loving the 90s.

I was still a kid. Everything was simple, maybe it was for that reason, but it felt like a safer world, a safer time. I can't believe it's already been over twenty years since the beginning of the 90s!

The economy was great! Thank you, President Clinton. We actually had a decent president. There was such a thing as middle class. That's where most people fit it. Now, it's either you can afford it or you can't. Everything was cheaper. Food wasn't so damn expensive. I swear, some days I feel I will go broke just buying groceries. Gas was crazy cheaper! I remember when it was only a dollar something! That was wonderful, even though I didn't drive. You could afford to take longer trips and be able to fill the damn gas tank!

School was better. Teachers weren't getting laid off, they still taught cursive AND home ec. You had to have a 75% to pass. There wasn't this bullshit of "let's make it simple."

Middle school dances were so fun. I remember Savage Garden. Oh, all the girls swooned over their songs. I remember when Matchbox 20 first came out. Hell, I even like The Spice Girls! LOL! We just danced and it wasn't about showing off or anything. it was just fun.

There was decent music. Ok, not really, but there were the original boy bands: Backstreet Boys, NSync, 98 Degrees. And boy, were they hotties! Remember Justin Timberlake having that horrible afro thing? LOL! I loved Ace of Base and Tubthumping by Chumbawumba. Hell, every time I hear that song it takes me back to the 90s. I admit, I still like it. :)

Alternative rock started happening in the 90s. Welcome Nirvana. After Kurt Cobain died, it died down, but that was a good era of music! And,  rap was not a big thing. If it would've been Vanilla Ice could've have copied more bass lines off other artists. ;)

There were CDs. I love CDs. I still like buying CDs rather than downloading music because I like reading the little booklets. I love looking at the covers and knowing what the song is called. Hell, I still have a walkman (cd player). It's huge compared to iPods! LOL!

The best actors were on Saturday Night Live. You had Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Rob Schneider, Mike Myers, and David Spade. They made SNL hilarious! Even though, I must admit Kristin Wiig is awesome and I am so bummer it's her last season on SNL. I love her.

Night at the Roxbury. Wayne's World 1 & 2. <--The first Wayne's World movie brought back a very famous song that a new generation got to enjoy. Can you guess what it is?  :) Dance music! "What is love? Lady don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more." Love that stuff!

Kids in the Hall came out in 1989 and lasted until 1994. Then, they had a movie come out in 1998. They are so funny. I love their stuff. They were sketch comedy, wrote all their own stuff and they are hilarious! 

We still had our old house, which no longer exists. I think it came from the 70s. It had an ugly greenish yellow carpet and a long hallway that was so awesome to play it. It was a double wide, but such a great house. Cozy, I guess you could say. I could've lived in that house forever. It had two pine trees in front of it. These babies were HUGE. I always tried to convince mom and dad to put Christmas tree lights on them, but that never happened. Too difficult.

I don't believe it was the best decade, but it was the decade I grew up in. And honestly, sometimes I miss it. It was so much better back then. Maybe it was childlike innocence, but life was good. I'm not saying it's horrible now, but it sure as hell seems as if the world is going to shit. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. And, if you love the 90s too, let me know! What's your favorite part of the 90s? I know all my classmates can relate! :) Remember the debate of who was better? NSync or the Backstreet Boys? Oh yes, definitely Backstreet Boys. Backstreet's Back, all right! :D

Comment below! :)

Intolerance.

There are numerous things I can't tolerate lately. I don't know why, but it seems the older I get the less I can handle people's bullshit. And yes, this may be offensive to some, but if you don't like it, don't read it. Also, I am allowed to have my opinion. Anyway, I'm so tired of people who get away with everything and I'm bending over backwards to make it decent. They're just trying to  get me in trouble. Also, people who tell me they're afraid to try new things. For example, cutting their hair. Ok, it's JUST hair! Besides, it's dead anyway. I swear, it grows back. Maybe that's just a pet peeve. LOL! I'm just tired of people telling me one thing and doing another. I can't handle people much anymore. It's kinda aggravating and probably why I don't have any close, close friends.  My bad.

I realize people want to be around people who are fun and easy going. Trust me, I can be all those things. But, I like honesty and people I can have a conversation with. Do you ever think we dumb ourselves down to someone else's level when we realize they don't get what we're saying? I know I do. It's mean, in a way, but I'm not gonna explain myself over and over. I cannot tolerate lying either. Once I find out I feel like an idiot because I believed you in the first place. Also, I can't trust you again. That just hurts.

Also, I have finally come to the realization that life is to short to waste time doing shit I don't want to do. I like my job, so I still do it. But, I went out with friends tonight and as I was sitting there, doing nothing, I realized, "I don't want to be here at all. This is so boring and not my scene." It wasn't the people I was with, it was just the way I felt. I guess that is what it feels like to "start a new chapter in life" and maybe "grow up a bit." Next thing you know, I'll be having a kid. EEP! NO! LOL!

Which brings me to my next point. I cannot tolerate bratty children. I feel if I have a child and he/she starts acting up, I will go crazy. My patience is so limited these days. I don't understand myself lately. I feel I am going through a big change or stepping stone in life. My priorities are different. I'm finally becoming happy for me.

I have been better at holding my tongue though. There have been instances lately where I just want to say some remark, but I've been doing extremely well with not saying what I want. That just gets you in trouble, Lord knows. Even though, my sarcasm is still alive and well. LOL!

Anyway, I have an intolerance for ignorance. People are stupid. Point blank honesty here, people. I cannot stand people who tell me they hate gays or abortion is wrong, etc... Whatever the hell they want to have a fuss about. First off, it's my life. I can do whatever I want. There should be NO ONE telling me what I can and cannot do. We don't live in Afghanistan. Anyway, why do we judge gay people? There are things in Bible about heterosexuals too. Besides, why do we follow only certain "rules" in it, but not others? That's outdated. Yea, so is worrying about a person's sexuality. It's not a freaking choice and I wish people would get that through their narrow minded skulls!

Also, religion is driving me crazy. There are so many debates on it. That's all fine and great if you believe in God, but please do NOT force it down my throat. Again, MY life, not yours. These Westboro Baptist asshoes are "fudiculous." <---- You like that? Shortened version of Fucking Ridiculous. When saying the "eff word" is just not acceptable. LOL!

Anyway, this is my rant. I apologize if I've offended anyone, but in all reality, I don't try to change your opinions and views. Please don't start something with me by trying to change mine.

Thanks. Enjoy! Comment below. :)     

Why I am Mildly Obsessed with Queen

As my love of music runs far and deep, I have decided to write a post on my favorite band and music artist of all time: Queen. My love for Queen started at 17, right after I realized Eminem was not that great. (Although, I do think Eminem is, by far, the best rapper out there. And, he's a pretty good looking guy too.) ANYWAY, Queen is amazing. I love them. They make me smile and every time I hear one of their songs, my heart is uplifted and my soul feels rejuvenated. So, here goes:

They are very smart. They all went to college. Roger Taylor (drummer) was going for dentistry, Freddie was going for art, John Deacon (bass) was going for something, and Brian May (lead guitar) has a degree in physiology.

They wrote their own stuff . I have always admired music artists that write their own lyrics, music, etc. Bohemian Rhapsody was entirely Freddie Mercury's creation. They had complete say when it came to recording their songs.

They truly loved what they do. You could tell every time Freddie sang, Brian played guitar, etc. They lived for it. Brian and Roger still get together and do Queen things. Freddie sang until he passed away. I think that's what kept him going so long.

They were (are) extremely talented. Any live performance, that guitar is beautiful sounding. Freddie's voice sounds like it was Made in Heaven. Which, btw, is their CD they put out after Freddie died. :) John Deacon played killer bass and Brian and Roger could sing pretty well too.

They never broke up. They were together nineteen years before Freddie Mercury passed away. Hell, Brian and Roger are still buds and do stuff together. Freddie once said 'We'll be together until we bloody well die!" Well, unfortunately, he was right, but such is life.

They accepted each other. They were friends and did things in the band as a team. John Deacon wrote a song about him and Freddie called Friends Will be Friends.Beautiful.

They were perfectionists. Everything had to be perfect. I admire that.

They wrote such fun songs, that I can listen to non stop.  I remember dancing with Mom in the living room to "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy". It was our favorite.

Even if you don't like Queen as a whole, you have to admit they made great music. Anyone can respect them as a band. You cannot tell me Queen sucks. Because, NO they don't.

I got Shawn to like them. He knew who they were, but he never listened to their songs as much. Now, we have discussions on why they are in with the greats. Also, see Nirvana and The Distillers. LOL!

They didn't need all the fancy stuff to make a successful concert. Freddie was a show man and danced on stage. The bigger the stage, the better! He interacted with the audience and loved to have them sing. Brian played his "Red Special" guitar so well!

They have awesome British accents! Who doesn't love that?

They had successful solo careers, also. But, they also realized they could not do it without the others. That's what made Queen, not just one person. I like that. 

Anyway, yes, I am obsessed. We all have to love something. At least, mine's music. :) I know you won't understand this if you're not a big music lover. But, if you are, enjoy! I know, everyone has their own opinions, this is just mine. 

Freddie died of AIDS in 1991. I was six years old. I wish I could go back in time and just see one of their live shows. Brian and Roger still talk about how great Freddie was and they still remember him. I find it sad that they weren't as popular in America after 1980. But, that's ok.

Enjoy! 



 

Things I learned from my Mother.

In honor of Mother's Day: My mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Of course, I am a little biased because she is my mom, but she is a beautiful person, inside and out. She's been through quite a bit in 51 years. I am so glad she's happy with a great guy who's so good to her. He's definitely mellowed her out a lot! LOL! Anyway, I was thinking about this and I realized at 26, that this woman has taught me so much. I can't wait to learn more from her.
She taught me to clean. I know it's stupid, but every day we had chores, and I always had to dust. Now, I hate dusting, and she'd always redo it the next day, but I learned to have a halfway decent, clean house. Granted, my house will NEVER be as spotless as hers.  I don't think anyone could top her house except for her mom. LOL!
She taught me to stick up for myself. Yes, it has taken me years to  be more assertive, but I have finally gotten my crap together.
She taught me to love myself. She told me at a very young age that I was beautiful no matter what. Don't have sex until you're ready. Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough. And, I love her for that.
She taught me to respect people's privacy. My mother never read my diary or went through our desks. I hate to say it, but I would leave my diary out sometimes just to see if she would, and she never touched it.
She taught me respect. I give everyone respect if they respect me. She taught to be a decent human being.
She taught me to be with a man who loves me for me. She taught me that it's ok to be alone and don't settle just because you're desperate. Even though, at times it was so tough.
She taught me to respect myself. I am a strong woman because of her.
She taught me to independent. I moved out at 22 and I never looked back. I am so proud of myself for living on my own and making it in the world.
She taught me to be positive and happy. My mom is a very optimistic person and sometimes I think it's cheesy, but she makes good points.  
I can tell her anything. She doesn't get mad, she doesn't get offended. She just listens. She gives me advice when I want it. She always seems to know when I'm hurting though. I'm so glad that she is my mom. She's wonderful and was definitely made to be a mother. And, even at 26, I still feel like I need her around. She's always just a phone call away.
She taught me to love with all my heart, even when it hurts. She taught me to walk away when needed even if it's insanely hard to do. She taught me to be brave.
She taught me great music! She always has her music jamming so loud in her car. You can tell what kind of mood she's in with the music she's listening to. :) I love that! She has fantastic taste in music, but I don't think she ever left the 70s. LOL! Where do you think my obsession with Queen came from? HAHA. We would dance in the living room every evening and it was so fun!
I never listened to her until now. I realize she was right all along. We had such a tumultuous relationship when I was growing up. I was such a moody teenager and I thought she knew nothing.
Thank you, Mom for loving me and being you. Thank you for letting me cry to you (even if it's silly) and vent to you and tell you everything where you don't get a word in edgewise. You are a best friend and I am so grateful that you are my mom. You mean the world to me and I would not be type of person I am if it wasn't for you.

The things I regret.

Ok, blog post number two. There are a few things I regret at the ripe "old" age of 26. LOL. I don't know why I feel like writing them down, but maybe it'll make me feel better. I regret wasting seven years of college and not having anything to show for it. I should have a master's degree by now, but my brain cannot function with so much school at one time. Maybe by the time I'm fifty I'll have that degree. All I know, is I have racked up quite a bit of student loan debt... all for nothing...
I regret moving back from Virginia for A GUY. :/ I have always thought of myself as a mild feminist and independent. I moved to VA at the ripe age of 19. What the hell did I know about love or anything? I loved it down there and yea, I miss it all the time. I worked at a Domino's pizza and I loved it. I could walk to work from the house I was staying at and I was so proud of myself. But, of course, along the way, I met a guy. His name was Randy and he drove us down there. So, five years of bullshit later, I never did date him. He basically used me. I thought he was the greatest guy ever, but I was young and stupid and maybe a bit desperate. Because, I thought I loved him.
Which brings me to my next point. I regret spending five pointless years on a man who never wanted me. I knew it too. I just kept hoping and wishing. There were a lot of tearful days and nights. A lot of insecurities. I even told the guy I loved him. How'd that work out? Well, we never did work out. Never even dated. Yea, I was stupid too. And, thought a man made it all better.
I regret getting a credit card. At Meijer of all places! I racked that sucker up! Of course, I do not have the credit card anymore, but my do I still have the payments. Every month I pay at least $100. And, you have to pay on time or it's a $25 late fee. EEP! I could buy a used car for how much I owe on my credit card.
I also regret not saving more money when I was younger. It scares me that if something happens, I don't have sufficient funds to cover it. Trust me, I've been in those situations. Ahem... car problems. :/

But, I don't regret learning about life. I don't regret loving someone even if it was pathetic to a point. I will get those bills paid off... someday.... I miss VA, but I admit, if I wouldn't have come back, I would've never met Shawn either. I would've never became a CNA, and I would've never met the people I know now. I guess everything happens for a reason. That asshole guy showed me what I want to have in a man and how I want to be a strong woman.  I took something from every experience I've ever had. And, Shawn and I were talking tonight and he said "How can you be wasting your life when it's just a step where you want to be? Yea, it might not happen right now, but it won't be like this forever either. You have an entire lifetime."

So, goals: Become a physical therapist. I know it's a lot of school. But, I finally have figured out what I want in a career.
Save money. Save money for a car, save money for me and Shawn, save money for a down payment on a house... eventually. When I finally decide where I want to live permanently, then we'll get a house.
Pay all these debts off.
Find a hobby or two. Take more pictures. Read more. Sing more. Work out more. Just be happy.
Thanks guys for reading this. I hope you like it. :)

Introduction to Me.

Ok, here goes.... Take two! I tried this earlier and it wouldn't let me do it correctly, so here I am again. I am new at this. But, I'm gonna try it. I love to write, so this is just wonderful for me. I have been meaning to write a novel, but apparently, my procrastination takes precedence. LOL!  Can we just call that a disease? Sometimes, I feel it is. I realize I need to get shit done, but my mind is always thinking "Oh, I'll do it later. It doesn't need to get done now." And, so on. But, fact of the matter is, I am a smidge lazy. I try and try to do it sooner, even give myself goals, and yet it never works! I always find something more mundane to do. Sometimes, I think I hate myself for that.
Part of the reason I started this blog is because I am desperately lonely. I love my boyfriend (he is a wonderful guy) but I have no girlfriends to really hang out with a lot or even talk to. Everyone's so busy with their lives. Which, I understand completely, but no one calls me or texts me. It just gets lonesome without any girls to talk to about girl stuff. I mean, Shawn tries, but he is male. LOL! I know, I sound whiny at the moment, but I just feel sad. I feel I'm stuck in this small town, this small place. There's not much to do, not much to see, and not much to say about it. I moved away from here. Yea, granted I was in another small town, but we had other places close by. Here, it's like a vast nothingness. LOL.
I also started this blog because I hope eventually I can start writing poetry and my novel stuff on here. Just so you guys can read it and maybe give me some feedback? That'd be great. I love to write. It's one of the things I'm great at. I've always had problems trying to figure out what I'm good at though. It seems most people have natural born talents or have found something they love and excel at. Me? I have yet to figure out how to be an adult, let alone figure out what I truly love to do. Hell, even the boyfriend is good at drawing. Which, btw, I am a horrible artist. I love art, but I like to look at it. I love museums and taking pictures. I finally got a camera, so I am going to take a lot of nature pictures this summer.
I guess this blog is for my brain to dump all those silly thoughts and ideas that creep into this head of mine. Maybe I can figure some shit out and get my mind together. I work a lot. Not enough lately, it seems. I always tell myself I don't want to be one of those people who work their lives away, but it seems to me you gotta make a living somehow. I am finally getting a bit caught up and maybe even ahead a bit. It feels good. I hope it stays like this for awhile.
Anyway, I am going to school. Though, my classes are almost done for this semester. I think I'm going to pass every one of them. That'd be awesome. I'd be super proud of myself. I tell you what though, I know I need and want to go to school, but some days it takes everything in me to actually go. I know to get ahead though, I need this. I want to be a physical therapy assistant, in the least. I prefer physical therapist, but that's six years of school and I don't know how I feel about that. :/
Anyway, that's all my thoughts for the night. Welcome to my blog! I hope you enjoy it. I feel a bit heartfelt lately, haha. Sit down, have a chat, and enjoy. I promise they won't all be like this, but these are my thoughts tonight. Enjoy! :)