Lost.

" The show must go on! The show must go on! Yea! Inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on. My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies.Fairy tales of yesterday that grow, but never die. I can fly, my friends. I'll face it with a grin. I'm never giving in!" Queen- The Show Must Go On

Here it is 4 am and I'm sitting here writing. I should be sleeping because I have to work at two pm, but I feel so agitated lately. Shawn told me I should write down this shit, so here it is. I'm depressed. Not clinically (Not that I know of, anyway.) Yes, I am not doing so well. I have always had this problem of wanting more. And, I feel like it's never going to happen. A part of me feels like that's not true, but then the other part is thinking "What if it is?" And, yes I am happy with everything I have. I KNOW it could be so much worse, but the back of my mind goes "it could be so much better too." And,. I HATE that people make me feel guilty for wanting more. "Be happy with what you have." Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, I am. But, what? I'm not allowed to want more either? And vent when it gets aggravating? But, the problem is, I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to advance in my life. I feel like every time I go to school, I always have to quit going. It's frustrating cuz I should be done by now. It's been seven plus years and I've been gong at least one semester a year. I'm ridiculous, I know. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm 26, and what the hell do I have to show for it? And yes, I realize I'm young and have an entire lifetime, but Jesus, this lifetime is going by pretty damn fast. I mean, hell, it's Already June 2012! That's six months in already. I can't handle it. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I want to be in the 90s again. I want to feel happier again. I'm not saying I'm not happy, but there's so much out there, and I feel stuck. I suppose that's why I'm so grouchy and just ANGRY lately. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry cuz no one seems to get it!
I've moved so many times in the past few years. I wasn't going to come back here to this small effing town. The things you do for love, I'm telling you. :) Bad thing is, I need to go somewhere. I need to spread my wings. I feel caged in. Unsettled. Frustrated because I feel I can't. I feel there's never enough money, or never enough time. I'm just whining, I know, but Lord knows, I've gotta get this off my chest or I'm gonna explode.I need to start writing. I need to start baking. Lord knows, I love to bake. I need the damn oven to be working again. I don't know what the fuck I feel lately, but I feel like my heart is breaking. It's like that Nelly Furtado song "I'm like a bird. I'll only fly away. I don't know where soul is. I don't know where my home is." And, it's true. I don't. The only place I was ever quite content was Virginia. I loved it there. I would love to move there. But, shit like that is scary too. When I first went, we decided on a whim we were moving to VA and then two weeks later we did. God, I miss it. I love the beach, I love the atmosphere. God, I even loved working at Domino's Pizza. I can't stand living here. It's a decent place to raise a family but I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY. What the hell am I still doing here? I'm waiting for Shawn. I love that guy and I'm thinking of him too. It just kills me that he's in no hurry. I'm sure he'll read this, and I'm sorry hun, but it's true. My heart isn't in anything anymore. I can't even handle the cat right now. The monotony could kill me. It's the same fucking thing everyday. I can predict what the hell I'm doing when I wake up. I know, people say "Change it, change it." Yea, but you know what?! No one ever fucking tells you HOW to change it! Can you tell me? Tell me what to do? I can't find my passion, I can't find what makes me happy, I can't find peace in the turmoil in my soul. AND no, I don't need Jesus, I just need my brain to quit thinking so much. As Sugarland so aptly puts it "There's gotta be something more, gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time, I need a little more bliss. So, I'm gonna take my chances, taking a chance I might. Like, what I'm looking for, there's gotta be something more."
 Ah, song lyrics. They can always express what my heart can't. I love music. I can't play an instrument though. I kinda wish my parents would've gotten us more involved in sports and stuff. I know I played softball in middle school for a summer, and volleyball in 4th grade, but those didn't work out. Not really a sports person. But, I wish they would've had us do something. Like, learn an instrument, or dance classes, whatever. Of course, four kids does cost a lot of money. :/ Instead, we got jobs. I have had a job ever since I was fifteen. I'm proud of that fact, but it never really left room for anything else. Money makes the world go round, right? Anyway, writing this shit down I'm starting to feel better. I do apologize if you think I'm being whiny or complaining. I'm trying not to, but I swear, it's like aren't people allowed to talk about their feelings and thoughts without someone thinking they're pissing and moaning? This is how I feel. I am so grateful it's not worse, I know what I have. But, is this all there is? Cuz honestly, I feel like I should be accomplishing more, or achieving more. And... I'm not. So, basically I blame myself as to why I feel like such a loser. Thank you to everyone who gives a shit. I'm not always happy. LOL. Please don't hate me, or judge me. Don't we all feel lost sometimes? That's all it is, I'm just.... lost....