Holidays and me.

Oh, the holidays. They're just around the corner. It's gotten to a point in my life where they really don't mean that much to me anymore. That's probably why I love Halloween so much. People make such a big deal about. All of a sudden, people are nice, more giving, more helpful, etc. My thinking is "Why the hell aren't we like that all year long?"  Red Cross comes out and gets people to donate money. Yea, you should be doing that all year long too... I work at a place where we are there 24/7. There are always nurses working, always CNAs there. It's our job, it's our life. I suppose that's also why I don't care for the holidays. I usually work at least one of them. I'm ok with that, I love coming in on holidays and seeing my residents happy. The worst part is, when some of them have no one coming in. It breaks my heart. So, basically we become their family. :) And, I'm ok with that.

My parents divorced when I was eighteen. Yea, yea, yea, I know I was an adult, yada yada. But, Christmas was never the same after that. My dad had his new girlfriend living with him by then and instead of sharing it as a family, all of a sudden, we weren't. He has a "new family". He's a grandpa on her side. So, it's not about us anymore, it's about her kids and her grandbabies. Which, I UNDERSTAND Christmas is more for children anyway, but it kinda takes the joy out of something when he's loving other people's kids more than his own flesh and blood. What's the point in having a baby? I guess I'm a bit jealous. We were supposed to have the first grandchild. It's stupid I know, but being the first is a treasure. After that one, the novelty of being a grandparent seems to wear off. It feels that way anyway, the way I see it, being there at Christmas.
My mom tries extremely hard to make up for it when we go over there, but it's not the same. We go to my Aunt's house for Christmas also and well, I'd rather not. Let's put it that way. I do because I feel obligated and because I don't see them very often either, but I'd rather keep it that way.

I don't have kids, so there's  no need to get a ton of gifts. They say Christmas is for kids anyway. Which, kinda ruins Christmas too. Christmas is supposed to be for everybody. Not just some fucking reason to get your kids more things. And, if Christmas is about Jesus' birth, why the hell do we tell kids Santa's bringing presents? I don't see people being Christ like any other time of year.  

Thanksgiving is a bit different. We eat and pig out. I do like Thanksgiving, but only because I love food. Isn't that ridiculous? LOL! I don't go to my dad's for Thanksgiving usually. My mom makes good food, so I head there. But, this year I am doing things a bit different.  

I'm going to volunteer. Shawn asked me yesterday what we're doing for Thanksgiving. I told him in a light hearted manner that we're going to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He didn't know if I was serious or not. But, he's agreed to it. I think that'll be a wonderful thing to do. It feels that void that's empty.  That place in my heart that hasn't been full in years. I hate the holidays. I'd rather make someone else happy this year. Because, in return, it makes me happy. I love helping people. It's in my nature. So, I'm going to volunteer and make my own traditions. I hope my Shawn is right there with me, cuz he doesn't like the holidays much either. We're just going through the motions. Anyway, I'm hoping I can keep with stuff like that all year. Next year, I want to give more of myself and start finding my place in this world. I want to become a physical therapist for that reason. to see someone smile, to see someone laugh, and to know I did that, that's the greatest gift to me. Anyway, I'm getting all sappy.

Thanks for reading. If you feel the way I do, let me know. Just an opinion. Again, if you don't like it, no need to read it.:)

Ramblings of a tired mind.

Sick today. This just started. I was not like this at work. I should've known though, cuz that damn exhausted even though you slept soundly all night feeling crept in. It's just a cold though. Anyway, not the real basis of this blog post.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Just about random things. I feel pretty damn blessed even if I'm not quite happy right now. Of course, I'm worried about stupid shit. Which is dumb, because what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing. I just need to learn patience. That'd be a start. I don't know what happened to that. I used to be so patient. Anyway, I realized that every thing can change in an instant. You never know what to expect. It's been a pretty decent year. I hope it stays that way.

Real topic: Parents. My mom is awesome. Everyone who knows her knows that. What I don't get is the other parent. I've been wanting to say this for a long time. My parents divorced a long time ago. I'm not annoyed or upset by that. I am upset with the fact that my old man isn't even in the picture hardly at all. Now, I know I'm 27 and you're probably thinking:"Well, that's what happens when you grow up." Bullshit. He's not there. He can't even pick up a fucking phone and call me. I call him, can't get through. Sometimes, it'd be nice to have a dad around. It's like I used to think he was my hero. I was such a daddy's girl. Then, I grew up, turned 18 and all of a sudden, it was like "Sorry. You're an adult. Leave." It just amazes me that you have four kids and you hardly make any intention to be around them at all. He's never seen my apartment. Yes, I've offered. I've been here OVER a year. What I don't get is why all of us kids keep trying for his affection and love. It kills me, cuz it's never going to happen. How can you ditch all four kids without a second thought? I know we're adults, but sometimes, you still need a dad. I try to push it away, but then I tell him something or try to get his attention or the boys do, and it just hurts even more. I guess you never get over that. Anyway, had to get that off my chest. I know I'm not the only one with "daddy issues." But, it amazes me at times how much it still hurts, unexpectedly. And, if you read this Dad, trust me, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Next topic: Talking shit. I am so tired of hearing all the bullshit I hear every day. I contaminates the workplace, it contaminates my life. Why can't we all just get along? I'm so fucking tired of people trying to get others in trouble. Mind your own fucking business. Excuse my french, but this is quite the pet peeve of mine. I hate myself cuz I start talking shit. It's like How am I any better? Anyway, I'm trying to break that habit. It's at work, it's at home, it's everywhere I go. I need drama free.

Anyway, friends: How the hell do people make friends? I do have friends and acquaintances, but I would love a best friend. Someone who I can talk to and g do things with. When I moved up here, my other friends kinda moved on. Which, I understand, but I'm not in that circle anymore. And, let me tell you. I'm lonely. I wish people would take me seriously. I always feel people just think I'm the freaking class clown. Ya know, I can have conversations with people too. LOL! I'm usually pretty serious. It just gets lonely with no one to talk to. Everyone has their friendships established and it's just frustrating to fit in. I hate being me sometimes.

Anyway, I'm just venting and thinking. I'm just irritated right now, cuz I'm trying to figure out school and I'm trying to get things situated at home and nothing's going right. I have decided I do want to go for physical therapy assistant. And, the goal is to eventually become a physical therapist. Even though, I have heard that being a traveling nurse pays pretty damn good money. We'll see.

Anyway, Shawn got some news today. Hopefully, things are looking up a bit! And no, I'm still not pregnant and we are still not getting married. Even though, I have been watching weddings lately, and someday when the time is right, I would like to get married. I already have the dress picked out. ;)

Well, I better get on these dishes and pay attention to the cat. She's so snuggly lately. Shawn says it's cuz we feed her and we are  warm. HEY, I'm keeping the belief she just likes us. ;) Makes me feel better.

Goodnight. :)