Depressed.

Ok, so this post is going to be a bit of a downer, cuz, well, I am feeling down. I am hoping writing it all out might help me a bit. I broke my foot almost three weeks ago. I have been off work since then. Now, I don't base my life on work. But, I am one of those people who feel working gives them a purpose, makes them feel good, etc. Yea, so ever since I realized I wasn't going to be able to work, and on top of that I won't get a paycheck for an entire month, I'm stressing. I haven't done much, and I feel the days are going to fast, but to slow all at the same time. I feel I'm doing the same thing every day and it's killing me. My foot hurts like hell. I don't know if that's normal, but I don't know what to do about it. Should I go to a doctor, should I wait it out? I've been taking Tylenol, but it doesn't help much. On top of that, my shoulder is killing me. I can barely move it and I'm not even doing anything strenuous with it. I even stopped using my crutches because it was messing with my shoulder. Now, I KNOW I'm not the only one going through pain and all that jazz. And, I know I'm not clinically depressed, and yes I also know it could be worse, but right now, I need a moment to vent. I hurt all over. My legs hurt, my foot hurts, my stupid fucking eye I stabbed with a goddamn eyeliner pencil last July hurts. I just want to feel normal again. I miss being in my young 20s and everything felt good.  I keep fucking my body up and I hate myself. I'm so frustrated. Today, I wake up and I thought I'm going to do my hair, I'm going to put makeup on. Yea, I got nothing. I took a shower, and even then I didn't see the point. It's not like I'm doing anything to get myself dirty. I went to OH over the weekend. It was nice, but I'm pretty sure I overdid it. I didn't use my crutches, and I know damn well I walked to much. My body hates me, I think. I think gradually it's turning against me. I keep fucking up myself. I can't handle being so immobile. For a person who's so damn independent, for anyone to help me is a fucking weakness. But, I admit, I feel pretty weak right now. I hide a lot of shit. I go to work feeling like shit (at times), I do things I probably shouldn't do. God, I make myself sound so damn special. I know, we all have pain and all that crap, but honestly, I don't care about anyone elses pain right now. I'm not being rude, but I can't be that sympathetic at the moment. I am so bummed and annoyed. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to exercise, get in shape, save some fucking money, and  now, nothing. I'm broken. I can't admit defeat, even though I am feeling slightly defeated. I got the hospital bill yesterday. Um, holy shit. I am so screwed. I know this isn't the end, and I sure hope my foot heals, but lately I keep thinking it's not. I thank all the people who have come over and given a shit, and honestly, feel free to come over if you want. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Thanks for all the people who are making an effort to see me, I'm so grateful for you all. I'm trying to keep my spirits high, but lately I just want to fall apart. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to just rip my hair out. Just depressed. I'm sure thing will get better, but my frustrations make it hard. Please don't hate me for bitching. This is just my way of venting. I know shit will get better. I just don't know what to do to make it better. Especially this goddamn shoulder. I think that's the worst pain of all. Fuck.

Anyway, please don't hate me. We all have our bad days. This just happens to be one of mine. Writing helps me a lot. I know this is sporadic and all over the place. I wasn't trying for perfection. I just need a place to let it out. Thanks for reading, commenting, whatever.