Why breaking my foot may have been a good thing.

Ok, I was going to save this post for later, but so much has been going on, since I broke my foot, I want to share it now.
Sometimes, in life, you think the worst thing that could've happened to you (in my case, breaking my foot), turns out to be the best thing that happened to you. Why? You ask? Let me explain.

I was miserable. I was working two jobs (granted I just started the second one, but I already disliked it) and they were giving me more hours at the second job. Which would've been great, but I would've had no life. I  needed a break. I have a very bad tendency to work my ass off, and then burn myself out. My foot breaking gave me a break. I don't think I'm going back to my second job either. I realized I'm ok with just one job.

Shawn and I have grown closer. You see, we were arguing a lot and not doing too well. Yea, yea, I only talk all the gushy stuff, LOL! He has to take care of me, take me places, do things for me. Be responsible. I think it helped him too. We realized our priorities and that we love each other very much. All the arguing in the world, doesn't help anything. So, we stopped arguing. Yes, we still get into little tiffs, but we've spent more time together and talked. I found out that he's the man who will be with me through everything. I love you so dang much, Shawn.

I learned a lot about myself. I learned I am so damn independent. I am bound and determined to do it myself. So, even though Shawn has to help me, when he's sleeping or not here, it's all me. The only time I asked him for help was the first time I took a shower. After that, I did it myself. I kinda had to learn how to do things on that foot all over again. It's interesting what you take for granted in life until you don't have it anymore.

I learned to save. I don't spend a lot of money, cuz I can't go anywhere. I have learned to save money cuz I'm not getting paid for a month. I learned that I don't need to spend money to be happy. Instead, I sold a few things online. Granted, I did buy some stuff on amazon.com, but some of it I needed and Shawn was definitely not going to get it for me. Hairspray's a necessity, right? ;)

I found out who my friends are. The girl who texts me every couple of days. Who comes over from MI and sends me funny cards. Who asks me to go to the movies with her, even though it's out of her way to pick me up. Who came over with her two kids (whom I love very much) and brings pizza. I don't know if she'll see thing, but I love you girl. We've been through some stuff, but we've always come out stronger. You are my best friend. The girls at work who text me, come over, bring pizza, spend hours talking to me about bullshit. I love you girls too. Thank you for taking the time out of your life to be in mine. It means the world to me. And, if you guys ever break yourselves (LOL) I'll be there for you too.

It gave me time to do things I wouldn't normally do. I am changing my life because of it. I can't tell you yet. I would like to, but I don't want to jinx it. I am so dang excited about this one though. Just wait. I hope I can tell you on facebook soon enough. :D Oh, and I am going to college soon to be a physical therapy assistant.

I'm writing more. God, I love to write. I love it a lot. I figured out what I enjoy and love. It took me so long to find myself. I haven't completely figured it out, but I am so much happier than I was a month ago.

I missed State coming into my work. Yes, I feel bad for all you girls who had to put up with that, but I am so unnerved around state. I am a ball of anxiety. LOL! I got closer to my mom. She is quite awesome, I knew that, but she saw me all the time too. She's my number one supporter. I cried and cried when I first broke my foot. She picked me up, dusted me off, and said "Hey, get your shit together." 

A month ago tomorrow, I broke my foot. Life changes so dang much in just one month. I am so lucky. I am so (dare I say it?) blessed. I found life again. Before I broke my foot, I was just floating. I was just hanging on by a thread. Now, I feel like something big is happening. And no, I can't tell you I found God, cuz that isn't it. Sorry.  

In retrospect, I felt like this was bullshit and so unfair. Now, I realize it was a great thing. I can finally say I broke a bone. LOL! It sucked. It still sucks. I can walk, but I have a limp at the moment. I hope that goes away. It still swells up a bit. It hurts, but not as much. I go to the doctor on Monday. Wish me luck!

I know this post was a gushy and maybe ridiculous, but I don't care. I can't feel sorry for myself. Thank you for reading my post. I apologize if this was eye rolling inducing.. HAHAHA Let me know what you think! :)

Depressed.

Ok, so this post is going to be a bit of a downer, cuz, well, I am feeling down. I am hoping writing it all out might help me a bit. I broke my foot almost three weeks ago. I have been off work since then. Now, I don't base my life on work. But, I am one of those people who feel working gives them a purpose, makes them feel good, etc. Yea, so ever since I realized I wasn't going to be able to work, and on top of that I won't get a paycheck for an entire month, I'm stressing. I haven't done much, and I feel the days are going to fast, but to slow all at the same time. I feel I'm doing the same thing every day and it's killing me. My foot hurts like hell. I don't know if that's normal, but I don't know what to do about it. Should I go to a doctor, should I wait it out? I've been taking Tylenol, but it doesn't help much. On top of that, my shoulder is killing me. I can barely move it and I'm not even doing anything strenuous with it. I even stopped using my crutches because it was messing with my shoulder. Now, I KNOW I'm not the only one going through pain and all that jazz. And, I know I'm not clinically depressed, and yes I also know it could be worse, but right now, I need a moment to vent. I hurt all over. My legs hurt, my foot hurts, my stupid fucking eye I stabbed with a goddamn eyeliner pencil last July hurts. I just want to feel normal again. I miss being in my young 20s and everything felt good.  I keep fucking my body up and I hate myself. I'm so frustrated. Today, I wake up and I thought I'm going to do my hair, I'm going to put makeup on. Yea, I got nothing. I took a shower, and even then I didn't see the point. It's not like I'm doing anything to get myself dirty. I went to OH over the weekend. It was nice, but I'm pretty sure I overdid it. I didn't use my crutches, and I know damn well I walked to much. My body hates me, I think. I think gradually it's turning against me. I keep fucking up myself. I can't handle being so immobile. For a person who's so damn independent, for anyone to help me is a fucking weakness. But, I admit, I feel pretty weak right now. I hide a lot of shit. I go to work feeling like shit (at times), I do things I probably shouldn't do. God, I make myself sound so damn special. I know, we all have pain and all that crap, but honestly, I don't care about anyone elses pain right now. I'm not being rude, but I can't be that sympathetic at the moment. I am so bummed and annoyed. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to exercise, get in shape, save some fucking money, and  now, nothing. I'm broken. I can't admit defeat, even though I am feeling slightly defeated. I got the hospital bill yesterday. Um, holy shit. I am so screwed. I know this isn't the end, and I sure hope my foot heals, but lately I keep thinking it's not. I thank all the people who have come over and given a shit, and honestly, feel free to come over if you want. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Thanks for all the people who are making an effort to see me, I'm so grateful for you all. I'm trying to keep my spirits high, but lately I just want to fall apart. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to just rip my hair out. Just depressed. I'm sure thing will get better, but my frustrations make it hard. Please don't hate me for bitching. This is just my way of venting. I know shit will get better. I just don't know what to do to make it better. Especially this goddamn shoulder. I think that's the worst pain of all. Fuck.

Anyway, please don't hate me. We all have our bad days. This just happens to be one of mine. Writing helps me a lot. I know this is sporadic and all over the place. I wasn't trying for perfection. I just need a place to let it out. Thanks for reading, commenting, whatever.