Why I hate trash TV

Yesterday, we were in the break room watching Jerry Springer. It was about this girl who had a boyfriend, and he started talking to one of her friends on facebook, and they hooked up, all that bullshit. Well, they bring the girl out and they start going at it. It's like, why the hell would you fight over a guy like that? Why fight over a guy anyway? What's the point? If he's a cheat why do you want him in the first place? Let the bitch have him. Problem solved.

People get off on the type of drama. It's like, what? Your life isn't exciting enough? You expect some substance from these people? They make a mockery of themselves. Maury's another one. Who's the baby daddy? Who the fuck cares? Fucking give him a vasectomy, so he can't have anymore. This is America. Welcome to the land of the free, home of the royal idiots.

I have enough drama in my own life, I don't need that shit. It makes me mad, that is what people like to watch. Really? Why don't you read a book? They have drama and substance in them too. I know, I know, there's no pictures.

They're annoying. Teen Mom, for example. You whine cuz of your baby daddy problems. Well, what did you think was going to happen? The guy's like 16!! Seriously? Not ready to be a father. Oh, I'm going to fall in love, be married, and have a kid, all by 18. Why the fuck do you want to do that?!?! Back in the 50s, they shipped em to a nunnery! What I don't get, is why we think it's socially acceptable for a 16 year old girl to have a kid, and have a shitty TV show about it? "My life is so horrible. Now I have this kid." Hmmm, well you should've kept your legs closed.

Honestly, it seems to me, if you're watching crappy shows like Jerry Springer, and Maury Povich, it seems you're like that too. You'd "fuck a bitch up" cuz she messed with your man. Well, have some class, first of all. Second of all, you should be going after him, cuz he was cheating too. No one ever goes after the male. Seriously, it takes two to cheat.

I know, I know it's supposed to be "entertaining", but it's not. It's just stupid. People just want their 15 minutes and this is how they get it.

Why would you want to air all your dirty laundry out for everyone to watch? That's embarrassing. What happened to privacy? I don't want to know all your shit. Keep that to yourself.

It's tacky as hell. I always think "People actually act like that? Who freaking raised them? What do their mothers think?" 


I guess maybe people watch that stuff because they need reassurance that someone has a shittier life than they do. Whatever it is, I think MTV should bring back music.

Tell me your thoughts! What do you think?  Am I wrong? Do you agree?    

Aspirations in life

It's been awhile since I've done a blog post. I've been having trouble thinking of things to write about. But, I must say, I've had plenty time to think lately. This post is going to be about goals and life accomplishments.
Now, I sometimes feel I haven't gotten very far in life. I mean, here I am 27 years old, and I live in a small apartment, and I still work as a CNA. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, just throwing it out there. Someday, I want to be a physical therapy assistant. I love helping people. It makes me happier than anything. I don't know why, but that makes me feel good. I would love to help people who are my age or middle aged, and have gotten into a car accident, or something of that nature, and need therapy. Because, I'm telling you what, it does work, I've seen it. It's amazing what can be done with the body. It's so difficult though, to find that balance between work and school. I, of course, haven't even started yet, because I don't know where to begin. I'm afraid I'll get this degree, and yet, still not be able to find a job.Yes, I admit, I'm worried that I'll be a CNA forever.But, as a lady I work with who was an aide for 34 years and got her nursing degree at 52, I know it's possible that it's never to late.

I would like to make more money. Money isn't everything, but it does make things easier. I'd like to have a safety net. I'd like to have a retirement fund,. God knows by the time I reach retiring age, there will  be nothing left! I would love to have money to travel. I don't want to live in this bubble of what if-ness. As in, what if my car breaks down, how the hell am I going to pay to get it fixed right now? It's scary living paycheck to paycheck. Eventually, I'd like a nice house. As the famous Freddie Mercury once said "Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure does help!"

I want to travel. I want to be able to go all over. Someday, I want to go to Germany and see my family from Mom's side. Eventually, I'd love to take Mom with me. I know she misses them. I'd love to go to France and New Zealand. I'd love to do things I want to do there. Not what everyone else wants to do. That's such a buzzkill. I want to go into the ocean again. I want to try different foods. I see all these places on The Travel Channel of the food they eat, and hell yea, I'd love to try it! Also, I'd love to go see drag queens and dance my happy little ass off.

I want to be a foster parent. Fortunately, the Shawn man is up for this one too. I would LOVE to make an impact on someone's life. It'd be the most wonderful thing in the world to be remembered ten, twenty years later to these kids as someone who made a difference in their life. That means a lot to me.

I'd like to move to Canada. I love it there. I have never been there, but it's just a feeling I keep getting.

I want to write a novel. Maybe more than one.I know it won't be easy, but I feel so creative lately. And, now I have time to do it. 
I want to get healthier. I want to run and eat right. I'm really trying hard on this one.

Sometimes, I think I should just quit and just do what I'm doing. I like my job, I have accomplished one goal, I work in a hospital. But, there's so much other stuff I feel I need to get to.  I want to change the world. I want to save a life, I want to become someone. I want to feel accomplished. I hate it when people tell me they're just going to give up because they've tried over and over and it doesn't work. Well,  who said you're going to succeed on your first try? I can guarantee even Stephen King wasn't successful right away when he first started writing. Queen had to go through their fair share of bullshit. Here's a thought You keep fucking going! You push through. Because if that's what you really want to do, then go for. No one can stop you, but you. 

Anyway,just a few thoughts I've been muddling through lately. I wanted to write them down and just share. Let me know your thoughts! What're your goals?

Excited and maybe a little scared.

You know how you stay in something because you get comfortable there? Yea, that's where I'm at right now. But, in a couple of weeks, I am leaving and starting something completely different. I am kinda in panic mode cuz this will be new for me. I've done the same thing for two years (at least!) and all of a sudden I am branching out into something like it, but more advanced. And, let me tell you, it's a bit terrifying.
All these what ifs are running through my head. What if I'm not good at it? What if I get let go cuz I can't succeed? What if this was a mistake?
See, right now I'm at the top of my game. I can get it done and it's a routine. That's the problem. It's. a routine. I need more. I want more. But, I'm scared of more.
Remember that thing I spoke about in the last blog post? Well, turns out my feelings were right. I got the job. I succeeded. I am so proud of myself. I will finally be working in a hospital. I've been wanting to work in a hospital for years! I start April 8. And, as nervous as I am I'm also super excited. Something new. Something different. The place has a parking garage! I feel I'm moving up in the world. I'm content.

I realized today as I was driving to work (old job) that I am content. I am happy where my life is going. I feel I'm going to jinx it if I keep talking about it or get "cocky" about it. But, how do you not share something like this? I've finally done something Ive been wanting for years. I accomplished a goal. And, it will lead to other goals. I can't wait! I keep holding my breath thought thinking that it isn't real. But, I went for my health screen yesterday and I'm telling you, all the shots they gave me and blood test they did, makes it pretty damn real.
I went almost three weeks ago for an interview for a job I didn't know I would get. Last week, they offered me a position. I almost cried. It's like "Give me a chance. I swear, I can do this." I want this.

But, I also realized being a CNA may not be the best job ever, but I tell you what, most days I love being around my residents. Who else is going to take care of them? I would never become a nurse cuz I'd never enjoy it. Too much paperwork, and there is no one on one time with your people. BTW, yes I will be a CNA on the medical floor at my new job. I will miss some of them, but again there are bigger things out there for me. :)

I hope my friends I made will stay my friends. I hope I make new friends. I know, I know work isn't about making friends, but it's so much easier when you get along with the people you work with. Besides, if that's where you're at most of the time..... What do you expect? I hope I can eventually advance my career. I'm still going for Physical Therapy Assistant. I finally figured out that is for sure what I want to do! And, I want to travel.

I am afraid of change. I like things to stay the same. But, how do you advance in life if you're always at a stalemate? I want to look at the bigger picture. Anyway, I'm off! I need to take a nap. LOL  

Why breaking my foot may have been a good thing.

Ok, I was going to save this post for later, but so much has been going on, since I broke my foot, I want to share it now.
Sometimes, in life, you think the worst thing that could've happened to you (in my case, breaking my foot), turns out to be the best thing that happened to you. Why? You ask? Let me explain.

I was miserable. I was working two jobs (granted I just started the second one, but I already disliked it) and they were giving me more hours at the second job. Which would've been great, but I would've had no life. I  needed a break. I have a very bad tendency to work my ass off, and then burn myself out. My foot breaking gave me a break. I don't think I'm going back to my second job either. I realized I'm ok with just one job.

Shawn and I have grown closer. You see, we were arguing a lot and not doing too well. Yea, yea, I only talk all the gushy stuff, LOL! He has to take care of me, take me places, do things for me. Be responsible. I think it helped him too. We realized our priorities and that we love each other very much. All the arguing in the world, doesn't help anything. So, we stopped arguing. Yes, we still get into little tiffs, but we've spent more time together and talked. I found out that he's the man who will be with me through everything. I love you so dang much, Shawn.

I learned a lot about myself. I learned I am so damn independent. I am bound and determined to do it myself. So, even though Shawn has to help me, when he's sleeping or not here, it's all me. The only time I asked him for help was the first time I took a shower. After that, I did it myself. I kinda had to learn how to do things on that foot all over again. It's interesting what you take for granted in life until you don't have it anymore.

I learned to save. I don't spend a lot of money, cuz I can't go anywhere. I have learned to save money cuz I'm not getting paid for a month. I learned that I don't need to spend money to be happy. Instead, I sold a few things online. Granted, I did buy some stuff on amazon.com, but some of it I needed and Shawn was definitely not going to get it for me. Hairspray's a necessity, right? ;)

I found out who my friends are. The girl who texts me every couple of days. Who comes over from MI and sends me funny cards. Who asks me to go to the movies with her, even though it's out of her way to pick me up. Who came over with her two kids (whom I love very much) and brings pizza. I don't know if she'll see thing, but I love you girl. We've been through some stuff, but we've always come out stronger. You are my best friend. The girls at work who text me, come over, bring pizza, spend hours talking to me about bullshit. I love you girls too. Thank you for taking the time out of your life to be in mine. It means the world to me. And, if you guys ever break yourselves (LOL) I'll be there for you too.

It gave me time to do things I wouldn't normally do. I am changing my life because of it. I can't tell you yet. I would like to, but I don't want to jinx it. I am so dang excited about this one though. Just wait. I hope I can tell you on facebook soon enough. :D Oh, and I am going to college soon to be a physical therapy assistant.

I'm writing more. God, I love to write. I love it a lot. I figured out what I enjoy and love. It took me so long to find myself. I haven't completely figured it out, but I am so much happier than I was a month ago.

I missed State coming into my work. Yes, I feel bad for all you girls who had to put up with that, but I am so unnerved around state. I am a ball of anxiety. LOL! I got closer to my mom. She is quite awesome, I knew that, but she saw me all the time too. She's my number one supporter. I cried and cried when I first broke my foot. She picked me up, dusted me off, and said "Hey, get your shit together." 

A month ago tomorrow, I broke my foot. Life changes so dang much in just one month. I am so lucky. I am so (dare I say it?) blessed. I found life again. Before I broke my foot, I was just floating. I was just hanging on by a thread. Now, I feel like something big is happening. And no, I can't tell you I found God, cuz that isn't it. Sorry.  

In retrospect, I felt like this was bullshit and so unfair. Now, I realize it was a great thing. I can finally say I broke a bone. LOL! It sucked. It still sucks. I can walk, but I have a limp at the moment. I hope that goes away. It still swells up a bit. It hurts, but not as much. I go to the doctor on Monday. Wish me luck!

I know this post was a gushy and maybe ridiculous, but I don't care. I can't feel sorry for myself. Thank you for reading my post. I apologize if this was eye rolling inducing.. HAHAHA Let me know what you think! :)

Depressed.

Ok, so this post is going to be a bit of a downer, cuz, well, I am feeling down. I am hoping writing it all out might help me a bit. I broke my foot almost three weeks ago. I have been off work since then. Now, I don't base my life on work. But, I am one of those people who feel working gives them a purpose, makes them feel good, etc. Yea, so ever since I realized I wasn't going to be able to work, and on top of that I won't get a paycheck for an entire month, I'm stressing. I haven't done much, and I feel the days are going to fast, but to slow all at the same time. I feel I'm doing the same thing every day and it's killing me. My foot hurts like hell. I don't know if that's normal, but I don't know what to do about it. Should I go to a doctor, should I wait it out? I've been taking Tylenol, but it doesn't help much. On top of that, my shoulder is killing me. I can barely move it and I'm not even doing anything strenuous with it. I even stopped using my crutches because it was messing with my shoulder. Now, I KNOW I'm not the only one going through pain and all that jazz. And, I know I'm not clinically depressed, and yes I also know it could be worse, but right now, I need a moment to vent. I hurt all over. My legs hurt, my foot hurts, my stupid fucking eye I stabbed with a goddamn eyeliner pencil last July hurts. I just want to feel normal again. I miss being in my young 20s and everything felt good.  I keep fucking my body up and I hate myself. I'm so frustrated. Today, I wake up and I thought I'm going to do my hair, I'm going to put makeup on. Yea, I got nothing. I took a shower, and even then I didn't see the point. It's not like I'm doing anything to get myself dirty. I went to OH over the weekend. It was nice, but I'm pretty sure I overdid it. I didn't use my crutches, and I know damn well I walked to much. My body hates me, I think. I think gradually it's turning against me. I keep fucking up myself. I can't handle being so immobile. For a person who's so damn independent, for anyone to help me is a fucking weakness. But, I admit, I feel pretty weak right now. I hide a lot of shit. I go to work feeling like shit (at times), I do things I probably shouldn't do. God, I make myself sound so damn special. I know, we all have pain and all that crap, but honestly, I don't care about anyone elses pain right now. I'm not being rude, but I can't be that sympathetic at the moment. I am so bummed and annoyed. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to exercise, get in shape, save some fucking money, and  now, nothing. I'm broken. I can't admit defeat, even though I am feeling slightly defeated. I got the hospital bill yesterday. Um, holy shit. I am so screwed. I know this isn't the end, and I sure hope my foot heals, but lately I keep thinking it's not. I thank all the people who have come over and given a shit, and honestly, feel free to come over if you want. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Thanks for all the people who are making an effort to see me, I'm so grateful for you all. I'm trying to keep my spirits high, but lately I just want to fall apart. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to just rip my hair out. Just depressed. I'm sure thing will get better, but my frustrations make it hard. Please don't hate me for bitching. This is just my way of venting. I know shit will get better. I just don't know what to do to make it better. Especially this goddamn shoulder. I think that's the worst pain of all. Fuck.

Anyway, please don't hate me. We all have our bad days. This just happens to be one of mine. Writing helps me a lot. I know this is sporadic and all over the place. I wasn't trying for perfection. I just need a place to let it out. Thanks for reading, commenting, whatever.

Young love. A sad poem.

Heart aches, I take it all in. My brain wants to explode. Complain not. Want not. Love not. I see you over there smiling at me.
Heart hurts. I can't take that condescending look anymore. "What did you do?" I ask myself every day. I see it in your face.
Heart breaks. I left you. You walked away. I guess you left me too. Did we forget how to try? Did we forget how to love?
Do you forget how to love? Or, do you just take it for granted after awhile? Do you stop trying? Do you stop caring?
I turn around. You keep looking at me. I had to look away. "Please go." I say. Do I love you anymore? Is there anything left?
I walk away. This time I went first. You don't come after me. Do you not want me? You never put up a fight. Was I not worth it?
Tears stream down my face That's what you never see. I loved you, once. Do  I anymore? I don't know. I sometimes think I do.
We go our separate ways. I hope life treats you fairly. I hope yo to hear itu get what you want. Don't forget me, but please forgive me.
Young, stupid love. First love. Happy times. Sad ending. Heart aches, heart hurts, heart breaks. I miss you even now.
Thank you for showing me love. Showing me how to care. Thank you for being you. Thank you for letting me be me.

I'm so sorry.


This is a poem I just thought of. I haven't written poetry in quite awhile. It tells a story of young love. It's ok to have that puppy love. It hurts like hell when it's over though. Just remember, there's someone better out there.
I love writing poetry. It's one of my favorite things. It's so much easier than a full length story, but it still tells a tale. Did you know that most of Shakespeare's stuff was just extremely long poems? Not that I can understand any of it. HAHAHA
Thanks for reading my poem. I love writing them. Let me know what you think! I'd love to hear it! :)